Your Mate's Fantasies
 

You're at the movies when an actor oozes great looks, dynamic personality, impeccable wardrobe - better yet, no wardrobe - and a charismatic ambiance. The combination is sooo perfect. Why wouldn't it be, with celebrated craftsmen bringing together expert skills in each area, writing the perfect dialogue, creating the perfect personality and scene, not to mention complimentary lighting, wardrobe, special effects, and all else that sizzles the screen with enough chemistry for you to want to pay for the privilege of watching?

But right as you feel drawn to this character, perhaps even wanting to be them, you wonder if your mate is just as attracted to them as you are. And while you might find your admiration - more than likely nonsexual - to be perfectly acceptable, you convince yourself that your mate's admiration is a different story altogether.

Most of us, at some point in our lives, have experienced the bitter sting from one side or another of that double edged sword - as the awestruck gawker or the green monster tearing apart the character with jealous claws. The degree of our response of course is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing our celluloid competition is wearing at the time - lesser the clothing, more intense our response, despite us playing completely different sports in completely different arenas. Sad thing of it is, such insecurities - however self-generated - flow wherever visual stimuli go, from pornography all the way to harmless people watching.

The question then is, should you bother feeling threatened by your mate's interest in aesthetically pleasing stimuli / fantasies? In most cases, the answer is a resounding NO. Think about it:

• Should your fascination with Mel Gibson or Michelle Pfeiffer prepare your partner for the possibility of a divorce court? Hardly;
• Would you disrupt your life to chase after an image that is more than likely not terribly interesting after the initial viewing(s)? Definitely not.

So, you ask, why is there a need for those images at all? Different situations/people/scenarios enrich and launch our fantasies into areas where we wouldn't normally have the means or courage to go. The concept of fantasy travel can be even more fascinating than that of time travel, for where the latter may merely help us change a situation, the former allows us to create a situation which meets with our specifications, covering territory that would otherwise be inaccessible. Boy, that's powerful!

As well, in fantasy, we don't ever get rejected or worry about our performance - stellar every time. What's more, we get to exercise the voyeur or the exhibitionist in us, without worrying about working terribly hard at it, multiple partner fantasies being a case in point. For example, the multiple partners may work on each other, on us, or better yet, need us desperately because they can't satisfy each other.

Whatever the road to fantasy, it leads to the same place, us feeling good about ourselves, hence becoming better, more confident, and enthusiastic lovers, having already tried and tested in our minds that which we would never have the savoir-faire to test out with a mate whose opinion and feelings matter so very much to us. Part of it also has to do with being accepted and validated by someone the world has placed in high esteem - compliments or sex involving Cindy Crawford or George Clooney carrying more weight than those involving our polite and biased mates.

Is there a time when his/her fantasy life can pose a reasonable threat? Yes, if it's draining energy away from you / your relationship, or if your mate requests you to indulge in acts that either make you uncomfortable or feel lesser about yourself as a person.

Like all other addictions, an addiction to pornography or certain sexual habits - to the exclusion of all other practices - can put an incredible strain on a relationship and requires therapeutic intervention. This is not to say that you should express concern if your mate occasionally admires beautiful forms other than your own. Remember that it is that very discerning taste which makes you feel good about having been chosen by your mate as "the one."

Moral of the story? It is not immoral to get your appetite while walking by a restaurant exuding delicious aromas as long as you go home to eat the meal that's waiting for you - or, at the very least, invite your mate to join you at the restaurant if you are certain that they too will enjoy the particular cuisine that grabbed your attention. Either way, bon appetit!
 

Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date), sex therapist/advice columnist/published author is Toronto's hottest offering to the relationship and sexuality scene. Known for her to-the-point teaching and entertaining delivery, Rebecca gives her audiences what they crave, through her books, seminars, interviews, and advice columns.    http://www.DrDating.com