Gender Thinking
 

Intertwined, they lay together, glowing in the sheen of glistening perspiration and post-coital bliss, skin fused against skin, unable to discern where one began and the other ended. Sound wonderful - that enmeshing of opposites into one agreeable entity? Absolutely! Why oh why doesn't the pull of opposites extend into emotional enmeshing just as easily?

For millennia, many a culture, religion, and ceremony have joined man and woman into one, not a pair. This inherently implies two halves needing each other for completion, each bringing its varied functions into the whole. Man's functions, by nature and nurture, have been more goal oriented, woman's more relationship oriented. Where man might need to look at facts, focus on the goal, and work toward results, competition being his best friend, woman is the glue which keeps the ties and connections strong, via nurturing and cooperation.

Man must do to feel good, woman must talk. Man feels best when he's self sufficient, woman when she's part of a strong interdependent circle. Sound like a complete and compatible picture? Yes, except for the times when one needs the other and doesn't realize that the caring response/method for their gender is different enough that it is often missed entirely due to its unrecognizability factor.

According to the renowned psychologist, John Gray, the most frequent complaint that women have is that men don't listen, while the most frequent complaint that men have is that women are always trying to change them. Sound familiar? Depending on your gender, you'll more than likely agree with only half of that statement - the half that applies to the opposite sex.

Men will argue that they do listen - how else can you explain the handy suggestions they offer? Women will argue back that if men listened, they'd empathize, not launch into "I know better" mode in extending their unsolicited counsel. Looking at the other half of the statement, women might argue that they don't try to change men, they accept them - even more generously than they themselves are accepted by them. But then, men might argue, how do you explain the advice that gets dished out along with a healthy dose of platitudes when something goes wrong in their lives? That, women might say, is caring, as expressed through kind, helpful words that encourage interdependence.

This, when he needs his space to fix it all by himself? If he doesn't need directions to find a place, no matter how fast that method might promise to be, why would he need directions to fix what's gone wrong in his life - something that he's sure he knows a heck of a lot more about than her? Sound familiar? Read on. For those who think I must be from another planet, bravo, you don't need to worry about the gender differences which haunt us earthlings.

Keeping in mind that we approach same issues from different angles, however ridiculous (especially with the merging of gender roles in the present times), we need to accept, embrace, and respect our counterparts' tactics. For then and only then will we be able to recognize the gracious gestures offered us, appreciate them instead of being appalled by them, and feel good versus threatened by our mate's support.

Having scratched the tip of the iceberg, do a mental study for yourself, observing how the opposite sex works. Take time to learn the rules. All of them. Exceptionally well. Now that you've collected your own data, seen it all for yourself, you needn't bash the other sex in a conflict situation. You might just say, "Hey, I know how that game is played," and revel in your knowledge of the sport, taking pride in becoming a team player. It would certainly make for a more fun participation.

Gentlemen, hear her out, allowing her a chance to rid her system of it. She needs to talk about it as badly as you need time and space to withdraw and fix your problem by yourself when it's your turn. Ladies, allow him a chance to fix it on his own and feel good about the conquest. Remember, his withdrawal is so he may focus on his problem, not because he wants to focus away from you.

A problem solved is a solution that he can brag about to you, impressing you instead of embarrassing himself in front of you. And while he's away emotionally, know that his half can't stay away from you for too long, since he will miss and need you soon enough and return crazier about you than before.
 

Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date), sex therapist/advice columnist/published author is Toronto's hottest offering to the relationship and sexuality scene. Known for her to-the-point teaching and entertaining delivery, Rebecca gives her audiences what they crave, through her books, seminars, interviews, and advice columns.     http://www.DrDating.com